I don't usually watch Korean dramas, but I came across your show on Netflix and went through it in a couple of days. I didn't expect to have so much time for TV, but after spending the last year preparing to be a foster parent, and then not being placed with a child, I unfortunately have a lot of time on my hands.
My journey to being a (failed) foster parent is an interesting and unexpected one. Like you, I left home before 18 to strike out on my own - I grew up in California but visited New York City as a teenager and I fell in love with the city. So I was determined to go to college there, even though it was difficult and I almost had to drop out for financial reasons. Despite the difficulty, it was worth it to me because New York City was everything I wanted to be - always moving, always captivating, always something new to discover. Being able to eke out a living there made me feel strong, fierce, independent. I felt like there was a little piece of the entire world in New York City, and as long as I worked hard I could be part of it all.It took me many many years to realize that always moving, staying strong, working hard - these were all ways of covering up a chilhood spent in fear, in a house that was not a home because there was very little love. I should say that it took me many many years, until I got to the place in life where I had a lot to lose - an important and meaningful job, a long-term partner, a home of my own - before the cracks inside me started to show. And by cracks I mean I would get triggered very often, similar to how your character got triggered by driving in the rain and shouted at someone he cared about to get out of the car. I related to that intense and overwhelming need to be alone at all costs - after all, I had spent so long *needing* to be independent.
And the thing about living that way, is that life become very narrow. There are less choices because everything is a calculation about emotional survival. For example, becoming a parent did not seem like a choice available to me. It didn't seem possible to give so much to another being, much less have it be enjoyable. However, once I started working with a trauma therapist on my childhood wounds, more and more things seemed possible. A big part of the healing was reparenting myself - learning how to give myself the emotional suport, space, and love that my parents simply were not equipped to do. And then, once I could do it for myself, it became easy to imagine giving all of that to somebody else.
The decision to foster a child seemed simple enough - I had the (newly expanded) capacity to give, and given my background I would likely be able to relate to a child who had grown up feeling unsafe and unloved. But, just because the decision was simple for me doesn't mean that it turned out simple in life. I have learned that being ready and putting in all the effort doesn't guarantee anything. And sitting with the feeling of failure, without covering it up, is very hard. I feel purposeless after a long time working on healing and letting that expand my choices in life, because the unfortunate thing about life is just because we make a choice doesn't mean it will always happen.
Thankfully, my cat Sylvester keeps me company, and absorbs a lot of the love that I have to give. I suppose my purpose is still to heal, and to love. It may not look like how I imagined it to, but I don't think I can go wrong if I keep doing it. Maybe, like how it took you many years to get to the place where acting felt like the "meant to be" career for you, it will take me many years to feel that my journey has brought me to someplace I was meant to be.