It's the hardest to write about, this deepest desire, and the world that exists around it.
What I want more than anything is to go home. To climb into someone's arms the way I climb into bed.
I have had significant others, I have meant for them to be home, again and again, and they were not.
I've talked to Amy about emotional safety, how I have never really had it. It is everything. Without safety there is no play, there is no life.
I do as much as I can, to feel safe, or to dare to play even when it isn't safe. I feel comfortable as many places as I can. But the irony of feeling at home everywhere is to feel at home nowhere.
This is where my monogamy fetish comes from, despite all the intellectual freedom I have given myself to believe in and support poly relationships. I want to feel rooted in one place, to one person. Pressed and held and made to stay.
Positive discipline, boundaries, tender but firm. The forms of love I have never received.
The closest I come are the emotional scenarios I concoct for myself, in bringing myself to orgasm.
It's funny, that the most personal sexual act is, for me, a way of traveling to this deepest desire.
It is not surprising though - my first investigations into porn and its various features and fetishes were all about decoding the psychological bases of desire.
And, most recently, I have uncovered myself as a demisexual. Which is to say that emotional connection drives my sexual desire - the higher the connection, the greater the desire.
It also dovetails with my love language being touch - I literally cannot keep my hands from expressing to those I love. And it may be why I cannot be convinced to touch those whom I do not love.
It might be different if I have had enough emotional safety in the past, that I didn't crave it above all else. Or, if I was like Amy and had enough positive associations between sex and emotional safety that I could pursue sex as a physical pleasure without feeling like I was compromising my emotional safety.
As it is, I know that pursuing sex would lead me to feeling ever further away. And I am so emotional weary as it is.
It is sad that I have one less avenue for comfort, when I know that it's going to be a long road home.