It's a question I've spent years poring over - is it better to be known or to be loved? And for the longest time I wanted to be known because that is the only way of truly dispelling loneliness. To be loved without being known just represses loneliness and for me, it leads to suffocation, guilt, and crap like wishing I'm wasn't who I am.
But what I've learned recently is that being known isn't the hard part. It often comes with time, and time. will. pass. even when you're not paying attention. In other words, it comes naturally.
It's the being loved part that's hard because people aren't willing to love or willing to love you the way you want them to. And if they've known you well it'll hurt doubly because you'd imagined that someone who knows you well would be willing.
Being treated well matters, suffocation or not. Because over time they'll get to know you, or they won't, but at least they were there and wanted to know every part you, even if they'd only understood some.
Intention matters a whole lot in my world.
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I was always preoccupied with this question because I was afraid of being liked for the wrong (re: shallow) reasons. But shallow reasons can't be helped when that's all that's being presented (because depth comes with time).
To make a people/possessions analogy:
Why I choose to buy a coat or some shoes is often purely aesthetic. Only later do I discover the fur lining or the hidden pockets or realize just how snug the fit is or just how warm it keeps me. Only later do I fall in love and feel rewarded for taking the plunge (especially if the price tag was steep) and come to value that particular one above the rest.
And then, only later later, as it becomes worn or ruined, do I wish that I had had the foresight to have gotten more than one. But it is always too late.