M asked me today if I've broken hearts or had my heart broken. Truth be told, I've had it both ways.
Which is better? she asked. There's no contest, for me it's always better to have my heart broken. I have to think about it. she said.
I've thought about it too. There are so many reasons.
When my heart is broken, I know that there is a limit, that there is an end. Maybe if we're talking about the death of a child, there is no limit or end, but with romantic relationships there is. With effort, and sometimes lots and lots of time, I heal, and that's closure in and of itself. It has ended with them, for them, and I know that the final end rests with me.
On the other hand, if I've broken someone else's heart, I have no idea how much or for how long it hurts. Imagination makes it automatically worse. Add in empathy and reminiscing and well, it never ends.
Also, no coincidence, but the times I've broken hearts were the times when I was loved more. Where I was treated well. And in the flashes of the past that we all experience, the ones that come persistently back were the times when I was happy and loved. And I bear the responsibility for no longer having that, and it almost always comes down to the other things I wanted to feel but didn't - maybe sexual attraction or intellectual spark. And so I wish so much that I was different, that I had been different, so it wouldn't have had to end.
Rephrased, I wish so much that I was different, that I would have felt equally, that the other wouldn't have been hurt. That I wouldn't have ultimately had to hurt them. And in that way I did love them, that I was willing to save them from what would've been the more lasting and persistent of hurt of being loved unequally, so much so that I was willing to be the demon, to be demonized.
And being the demon - well that isn't something that just goes away.