I was riding the BART today, crying, when Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on the iPod and I looked up, only to see a guy with his headphones on, nodding to the beat of what seemed like my song. And I just wanted to thank God (whatever's out there). Life.
For that part of me that insists on being happy. A part entirely new to me because it hasn't always been there.
***
There used to be a part of me that would make sure I survived. I knew this from all the times I would save myself, or maybe from all the times I would prevent myself from having to be saved. It was the part of me would inevitably take the lead whenever I was falling, whether for a person, from a person, or just... down. It was the part of me I could and would always count on, the part I remember steering me home teetering from a New Year's Eve of too much drinking.
Other people had friends and family and I had me. Or that part of me.
I wonder if the part of me that insists on being happy is the survival part evolved. That maybe I've matured and realized that surviving isn't enough. That surviving isn't everything. That surviving is meaningless if you're not happy.
***
Besides, I think it's ridiculously disrespectful to not be happy. Given what we've been given. Because what we have is never completely earned. So to start by appreciating is to start by being happy.
Not unlike me and that guy, separately enjoying our two similar songs, separately riding the same train to a similar place.