So I turned in a draft yesterday that was ridiculous bad. I am not being hard on myself here. It was craptaculous.
I cannot describe how ashamed I was when the professor turned around to wish me a happy holiday break.
And just now he sent me an email of critiques, adding that my thesis "is becoming one of the most promising projects in the class." AHHH PRESSURE.
Not like I wasn't already pressuring myself, given that my thesis: 1) is at the forefront of my standing battle with defeatism; 2) will be the one academic work of merit I will have produced; 3) lays the possible foundation for an entry into graduate studies.
I realized that thesis (or any essay) writing is so hard for me because I take my writing really personally. These words are an expression of who I am.
Which is great in blogs, but devastating in work. How do I disassociate, even just a little bit?
What also bothers me is the extent to which a thesis deadline can take over my life. It's like a bad relationship - I'm constantly stressing about it, feeling bad about myself, never sure I'm doing well or doing enough (cope by massive procrastination), and cannot wait for it to be over with.
At the same time it is senior year and everything is moving too fast and I want to stop. There is too much and I don't want to be just passing through.
***
On the upside, I've done more in research than I ever have before. I've gotten extra organized with the sources. My topic is clear. I know what my next steps are.
It's a bit unbelievable, never being taught any of this, but pulling it all together.
For those who don't know, I'm writing on the situation of women in the Japanese workplace and their possibilities beyond the glass ceiling, with a cross-cultural comparison to the former Federal Republic of Germany (and possibly South Korea).
I've done so much reading, it's as if I'm taking a Women's Studies class, with a dash of Economic History. I like the reading, and I like discussing (what little I have done regarding this topic).
But oh the writing. You bane and boone of my existence.