I hate myself a lot right now. It is 5AM and I have sat and stared, afraid of facing the glaring ineptitude of my own words.
I've wanted my sisters to visit for a long time and yet, them being here stirs up so many negative emotions.
I don't like how they depend on me, the passivity of it. I can't be responsible for their experience here, constantly worrying about whether or not they're having fun or whether they would rather go here or there or anywhere at all. Because every time I get a "where are we going?" or "why are we doing that?" or have to order them to do something, I want to call it quits, I really do. I mean, be motivated, be interested, be active for chrissakes!!!
It's unfair of me, I know.
Within this is how I've always been self-dependent, how I was alone in random places at their age, figuring things out for myself. ("Do you know what that was like?!", a part of me would like to scream out. "Why can't you be that way too?!") I would like the luxury of being taken care of and taken around to places too, you know.
Within this are all the situations that I held up through sheer will and optimism, those illusory constructions that crumbled when I caved. I cannot describe the emotional drain it is knowing that the other person is only doing something because I said so, or because it's what I'm doing, or because it's only polite, or because of some other shallowly-motivated reason.
Within this is my own fear of dependency. I have come so close to leaning full-on someone and relying on them for my emotional well-being. Which is not necessarily wrong, but it risks becoming one of those situations I spoke of.
I should be alone to sort all this shit out, as is customary.
I should also be getting shit done. I (foolishly) set up a thesis research reading schedule, which I haven't been able to keep, and that's been stressing me out on top of all the emotional shit. I swear, I am running myself into the ground. But before that, I'm supposed to have some goddamned fun. Let's see about that.