it was like i was just living my life

i wasn't sure what the difference was.

i went up on the roof and looked at the sky. bluish-purple, with a pink-orange tinge at the edges. but that wasn't the --

the stars seemed to be falling.

i seemed to be looking at a half-dome sky, like it was the adler planetarium's 3D projection room.

i looked from one side to the other, one side to the other, queens to manhattan, queens to manhattan. i couldn't seem to stop, it was like constantly looking at something new.

and i felt like the main character of my life story, just living, not writing it anymore. things happened and they were sequential and i wasn't sure of their impacts past or present, because those are things that the author figures out.

i felt like i was inside my head, living the memory, as opposed to living and recording at the same time.

it was freeing, i think.

i went back downstairs and interacted. all my whims carried through. i said things and made noises and laughed without judging myself. i would catch myself mid-action, no, i was constantly realizing what i was doing, doing them before i realized i was going to. i could make the same observation, and make it again, and make it again. thoughts came like raindrops, disappearing into my subconscious ocean without taking time to dissolve like the snowflakes they usually resemble.

i had two powdered doughnuts, jelly-filled. and then i laid out on the couch while the dog kept running into my face, shaking a stuffed animal in his mouth like he was wresting it from my competing hands, when really i was just shielding myself. i whined a little. i'm sure they thought i was weird.

then i went home, and the cab ride was like a journey through the cities of my past - san francisco, baltimore, new york in past years. and i imagined different people driving me, all the people whom I have loved, whose journeys i once accompanied them on, all coming back to send me off and i would hug them one last time, and let go. it was just me now, and the taxi driver, crossing the bridge into manhattan like i have done so many times, coming back.